My world begins

When I moved here, at the world begins, I had two different goals.

One goal was to detach myself from L (however unsuccessfully successful I have been at it - yeah, I can admit being reluctant to give up) and the old blog that was mainly about us. I know it's silly - to be attached to a blog, to attach importance to what it means - but it is how I felt. Him & I are still in touch, but it's scattered. So far so good, on being good on either side, although not always easy. But then again, nothing is always easy.

The other reason (or goal, objective, whatever it is called) is that now, *my* world begins. After all, I had promised myself, at the beginning of the year, that this year would be my year, even if it would be life changing.

My husband and I had a serious talk when we came back from the holidays. I asked that we separate (that does sound premeditated, but I knew it was what I wanted). He had some idea that this was coming – I had been more distant, not looking to kiss or touch. I think we went for 3 days without kissing or even touching (before my demand to separate) and he never once sought my touch or initiated a kiss. That spoke volume to me.  I still love him, he’s my best friend too... but I’m not in love anymore and I don't feel desired. I think I deserve to be happy, desired and loved.

No... I don't think it, I know it!

We gave it all, we tried a lot of options, including opening up our marriage. I thought this would have had an impact on his desire to win me back, so to speak... but I don’t think you should try to win someone back when they want to leave. A friend asked me if I thought this was the right thing to do. I think it was. At least it was better than do nothing and pray things magically work out on their own.

I was away from home for about 5 days and I was missing him. I couldn't wait to see him upon my return, to kiss him, have a hug. I was looking forward to tell him about what happened during my trip, what I did, etc. I had no kiss, no hug. Yeah ok, I had already said I wanted to separate, so why was I expecting for him to jump from joy? Later that evening, he told me he had met someone else while I was away. So much for grieving our relationship, huh? Actually, I shouldn't say that, because I know he's having a hard time with our separation and other personal related issues. He's dealing with this the way he thinks is best for him and I cannot blame him. In the end, we think of ourselves first.

There are times I feel I made the wrong decision, but I know the feelings of being undesired and not sexually satisfied will always come back. I don’t want to live frustrated anymore, life is too short to be miserable.

I'm single now. Yikes!